He Reigns

As mentioned in the post on Enduring Seasons, Oprah asks the question, "what do you know for sure". Having come through a hard couple of years, this song answers that for me! If you haven't read that blog post, click the link above and read it before you read this!

He Reigns

I say
The night is long, can’t find my way
I say
I’m stumbling in the darkness

They say
It’s always dark before the dawn
They say
That when the night is dark
The stars shine bright
The stars shine brighter

When I think I’m all alone
I know that God is on the throne
And when I can’t tell night from day
I tumble to my knees and pray
And this one thing I know
And this one thing I know


Chorus
He reigns
For when the night is darkest
He’s the light
Shining brighter than the brightest day
He reigns
And when I can’t see my way
This one thing I know
This one thing I know
He Reigns!

He says
He’s the calm in the middle of storms
I say
Those waves are getting higher and higher
Higher and higher

He says
Get out of the boat
Put your feet on the waves
I say
I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid the water’s fire

Hold me
Carry me when I can’t find my way
Hold me
Be my light
Be my guide

CHORUS

Refrain (he makes me lie down, he makes me lie down)

The Lord is my shepherd
I’ll not want
(Refrain)

He leads me beside waters still
(refrain)

He restores my soul
And guides me in righteousness
(refrain)

When I walk through valleys
In the shadow of death
(refrain)

I’ll not fear
You are with me
(refrain)

Your rod and staff
They comfort me
(refrain)

Goodness and love
Will follow me – as
(refrain)

I will dwell in you
Evermore - as
(refrain)

Refrain to fade out

Words and Music Copyright "sassiekiwi" 2009

To Every Thing Turn, Turn ... Enduring Through Seasons

I was on Staff Devotions yesterday ...

Last week I reached a milestone. I turned 40. Last year I started a tradition where I break bread with God on my birthday. I sit with him and reflect on the past year and his gifts to me and things I am thankful for in my life. This past Friday morning I found myself reflecting on why 40 is a landmark birthday. 40 is seen as the halfway point in life. Many people seem to struggle with this particular birthday. As I thought about turning 40, I thought about my Dad who died at 49. I thought, “I am sure my father never dreamed that at 40, he would have just 9 short years left”. And that made me think about the fact that NONE of us know how many days we will have. God does. And I thought, Lord, really this is a reminder to me to count my days and make my days count. Can I go to bed tonight saying that I LIVED my day – rather than just getting caught up in the frenzy of it? Was I present in it? Did I love someone today? Did I give them hope? Did I encourage them? Did I reflect Jesus with skin on to someone in my circle? Have I loved and laughed and lived today?

On my birthday, as I sat with God reflecting about things that I was thankful for this past year, health was at the top of my list. Many of you know my story – I have shared it before. The past few years have been really challenging for me. I had surgery in December and since then I have been recovering. As I reflected on the things in my life I am grateful for, I thanked God for answered prayers with my surgery. It was easy to thank him for all those things that went well, a great surgeon, excellent anaesthetist – needle that went into my veins first time … the courage to self inject myself each day for two weeks when I am terrified of needles. There were many things I could thank him for but it took me a few minutes of sitting still, before I could say, “thankyou for the hysterectomy”. I could look at that surgery as huge loss because in all reality it is. But I choose to say, thankyou for all I have gained Lord. Thank you that I live in an age where technology is so advanced and I could have this surgery rather than spending the rest of my life living like I have the past couple of years. Thank you for health. Thank you for life. Thank you that I have energy. Thankyou for the way you work in paradoxes – that in the death of one thing, there is new life in another. And really, that paradox is the crux of seasons. We all go through seasons of plenty and and we all go through seasons where it is hard, brown and barren. Enduring through seasons is what I would like to talk about this morning.

Recently, at bible study, the question was raised as to why some people endure through hard seasons and others don’t. I am sure you can all think of people who have gone through the mill. They have been sifted. They have been tested. They have been proven in the fire and they have come out shining. For all those people we know, each of us probably know others who didn’t make it. We often wonder why that is. Looking back over my life, and the lives of those around me, it seems that the things you focus on and the choices you make in your seasons are critical to your very survival.

Globally, we are seeing people in a difficult season financially. The current economic climate has put a lot of people under severe stress. I am watching this with my own family right now. Several have lost their jobs and are facing uncertainty financially. With all this going on, I was recently chatting with my sister-in-law and she made the comment to me, “you don’t know how hard it is to not have money …” I smiled to myself but said nothing as she spoke. You see, as I was listening, I was musing over the different financial seasons in my life. I clearly remember several years of living, not knowing how I would make my payments each week. I remember vividly the week that the choice came down to me paying my overdue bills or eating. That week, I fasted and paid my bills. I remember being in despair the following week when I got back to the same point. An unexpected bill came in and I was crying to God saying that I couldn’t fast another week (not a great idea when you are seriously anaemic as I was at the time). I had the sense of him saying, “Whose idea was that Sarah, yours or mine?” You see, in the midst of my challenge, I used my brain to problem solve it myself and left God completely out of the picture … so he sat and waited … and watched me come around the mountain to the same place. This time though, there were not the same options. And this time I included him and things were completely different. Currently, I am blessed financially. But I have had a winter season in other areas of my life. The past few years have presented challenges that made the road a hard one to walk.

Seasons are a fact of life. Sometimes they are fruitful and sometimes, they are barren and hard and cold. The bottom line is that the change in seasons will come. Are you prepared? What will you do? How will you get through? In times of plenty, I remember the source. In times of hardship, I know that he is on the throne and he is my redeemer. While recovering from surgery, I read part of a bible study and I was a little perturbed. The implication was that God sends trials on us to test us. I personally struggle with that concept. That is not the God I know. The bottom line is, we live in a sick, diseased word that is fallen and scarred by sin. Stuff happens. My phrase of the year seems to be, “se la vie” – “it is what it is”. We deal with it. How? Well here is a starting point … my God is the Alpha and Omega, who knows the beginning from the end. He is the author and perfector of my faith. He is my redeemer. He has promised that he will not leave me and that he will see the work in my life through to the day of completion – when he takes me home. So when I go through these times, they are not a surprise to God. He has a plan in place and he will redeem my circumstances. When I can’t see my way and it’s falling down all around me, my God is on the throne and he has a plan!

Choose your focus. What are you going to look at in this time? As I look over my life and the lives of those who endured, I see people who are not super spiritual, who are not super human. They are real! Over various seasons in my life, I have cried, I have shouted at God … I have wallowed. But in spite of that, I have chosen to fix my eyes on the one sitting before me. What are you going to look at?

The apostle Paul knew this truth well. He experienced tremendous hardship and having come through it he says in Hebrews 12:1
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that will not grow weary and lose heart."

It is interesting to note that this passage follows on immediately from the heroes of faith chapter. Take a look at those heroes! They were not superhuman, running and never falling. Nope! They crashed and fell … they took detours, they made wrong decisions. What they all have in common is that they persevered. They endured. They focused on their God. They got up and they kept going.

When our focus is correct, it helps us to be content. We can be content if we trust God. And perhaps, here is the second secret to endurance. If we know: God is the author and perfector of our faith; if we know that he has a plan to redeem us; if we know that he does not sit impassively watching our struggles, but has walked the way and walks with us on the way, then we can be content. Paul knew that the secret to contentment is abiding in the presence of God, knowing we are held in his hands and that we are not forsaken.

He said to the Phillipians in Phil 4:11-13:
"I have learnt to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things though him who gives me strength."

Paul knew his source. And he clung to it through many hardships.

One of the things I have learnt over the past few years (and I am still learning it!) is what it means to trust God, stop fighting, lie down and submit. I’ll give you one last story to illustrate this point. When I was diagnosed with my tumour, things were spinning out of my control and I was really struggling. I had to go for an MRI and I did not know what to expect. I did my best to prepare but nothing I read, prepared me for the fact that when they did it, they would want to put a needle in my arm, insert a canula and inject dye. I am really needle phobic and need to psych myself up for things like that. At the MRI machine, none of them spoke English so it was even more of a drama. It might sound strange to you, but one of the hardest things for me was to have to lie down on that MRI machine and surrender control of my body to other people – especially people I could not communicate with. I was telling a friend about that and she spoke the following to me, “the Lord is my shepherd … he MAKES me lie down …” This made me think of my friend Frances. When we were growing up, she had a pet lamb named Thunder. She would pick him up and he would bleat and baa, and kick and struggle. She would flip him on his back and he would go completely limp and lie peacefully in her arms gazing adoringly at her face. Sometimes we are like Thunder. We don’t want to lie down, we kick and we fight. We struggle to gain control. Sometimes, all God is asking of us, is to lie down and surrender to the process … whatever that process is. Lie back in his arms and trust him completely.

A lot of thoughts this morning, so summing them up … how do we get through the hard seasons?
1. Know the season you are in. We will always have seasons in our life. Take hope in the fact that after every winter, there is a Spring! And for those pessimists of you out there, don't even go to the thought of, "well yes, but after every summer there is a winter!". This brings us to the second point ...

2. Watch your focus. Focus on Jesus – the alpha and omega, the author and finisher of your faith, the one who knows beginning from end and is our redeemer.

3. Abide in his presence and practice the art of contentment. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

4. Lie down and submit – think of Se La Vie. It is what it is. Seasons are inevitable. God knew this day was coming. It was not a surprise. I need to surrender to him and let him take the rudder to steer me through.

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a song. It is still a little rough. I wanted to share it with you this morning. It’s a song that has come out of the past few years for me. Oprah asks the question, “What do you know for sure?” This song answers that for me. I will post that in another blog ... and you can click here to see it! (sorry you can't hear the tune ... but it is pretty upbeat ...)

Growing Pains

Outside my kitchen and dining room windows is a cherry tree. Towards the end of last week, it seemed the tree exploded into blossom. I have been watching it closely for the past few weeks and I am inspired by the tree. For months it has been barren. No leaves ... just brown bare sticks reaching for the sky.

About a month ago, little woody buds appeared. As I watched, they grew a little bigger. I went off to New York for a week and when I came home a week ago Sunday, they were no longer little woody buds, but tight pink ones. Last Tuesday, I looked at the tree and 3 cherry blossoms had unfolded. Two days ago, the blossoms exploded on the tree. I heard them ... Bang! Bang! BOOM! (that was a whole spray ...) BANG! The noise was thunderous and woke me from slumber. Seriously ... of course I didn't hear them, but they did pretty much burst open on most of the tree over 2 days.

This beautiful cherry tree is an encouragement to me in the process of change. Let's look at that. If you know nothing about trees, you would assume that all the action occurred this past week. Growth is not like that. I often tell my kids that learning is a slow, almost inperceptable process. Change is ongoing and slow. Little steps add up to big ones. It seems nothing is happening but when you look over a long period you see tremendous change. The trick is being faithful in the small things and having faith in the process.

I liken it to running. As part of my road to health and wellness, I have turned a corner from surgery recovery and am able to start exercising again. In some ways it is exciting and other ways, downright discouraging. Several years back I got myself going really well on eating and exercise. I lost 15 kilos without dieting, just being mindful about my eating and making sure I exercised regularly. In addition, I got myself to where I was regularly running 5k runs. Exercise has never been a positive thing for me. I am not coordinated or sporty and don't enjoy it. However I worked at it and I was proud of my achievement. I kept the weight off (with the exception of 2.5 kilos) for several years. I kept the weight off when I got sick. However, the last 2 years I have been really unwell and survival has been the name of the game. I was struggling to have the energy to work and had none whatsoever for exercise. After my surgery I gained 6 kilos and was over my "I never want to be over that again" weight. Horrible. A whole pile of clothes did not fit and I know how hard I worked to lose that weight.

Last week I turned a corner in my health and felt I could start working out at the gym. So, I downloaded a couch - 5k running plan. In 10 weeks I hope to be back to running 5k runs. I am on week two. I could be discouraged about being all the way back at the beginning, having to do the hard yards but I learnt things from the last time. Be faithful in the small things. Make the time, follow the programme, push that little bit harder and small steps, will add up to big ones. When the scales are awful, when I feel yuk about my body and think nothing is happening, it is. Like the cherry, changes are going on in my body. My heart is getting healthier, my bones are getting stronger, I am building muscle and before I know it ... if I stay faithful in the little things ... BOOM! BANG! BOOM! the fruit will explode open and changes will be seen.

The cherry tree is also a great analogy for our spiritual lives. I challenge myself when I look at it. I am feeling a little distant with God at the moment. Not feeling like there is a lot of fruit in my life. BUT ... if I am faithful in the small things. If I am faithful in meeting with him, connecting, studying my bible, being transformed by the renewing of my mind ... BOOM! BANG! BOOM ... the fruit will come.

Be encouraged. If you are frustrated with the rate of change in areas in your life ... hang in ... be faithful to the process and be faithful in the small things ... BOOM ... BANG! BOOM. There will be fruit. It's a spiritual law. You sow ... you will reap!

To see ... or not to see ...

To see ... or not to see? That is the question ...

The story of Samson is an interesting one. There are many views of the weaknesses of Samson, and two of the common ones are that he was a womaniser and had a problem with self control. When I did my church internship, there was a saying that the three things that will take a leader out, are the gold, the glory or the girls. In other words: money, pride and sex. As I listened to the story of Samson at church last week, I could see all these things in play and yet, I believe that none of those were the REAL problem. Lets look at them:

1. The Gold (Money and possessions) ... Judges 14:13
Samson set up a riddle and the price of the riddle for those who lost it was thirty linen garments and thirty sets of clothes. To appreciate this, you need to appreciate the value of linen. In Genesis 45:22 Benjamin was favoured by the Pharoah and given 5 sets of clothes. In Zechariah 14:14, clothing is listed among the treasures of war. Samson was asking for excessive wealth. Not 5 sets or even 10, but 30. Spoils from each of his companions. He was a man who loved the fine things in life.


2. The Glory (Pride)
Judges 14:34 tells us that Samson was blessed. This means that God's favour was upon him. Samson grew up with this. How easy would it have been to take the favour of God for granted. Perhaps he just assumed it without knowing too much about the source and how to stay under the blessing. Probably until God's blessing was removed, he didn't really value it. There was pride in Samson when he posed his riddle. He was not expecting anyone to be able to answer it. He probably felt for sure it was a safe bet as he would not have had the money for the the thirty sets of clothing. Indeed, when he lost his bet, he was angry (often a response when our pride is wounded) and stripped the clothes he owed off 30 Philistines.

When Samson found out his wife was given away, he became embroiled in a tit for tat, get revenge type situation that resulted in:
- destroyed grain
- destroyed vineyards
- destroyed olive trees
- his ex wife and her father's loss of life
- big trouble in Judah with the Philistines

Often when our pride is wounded and we react out of that, it robs us of fruitfulness and results in conflict. You can see Samson is still operating in pride and a stubborn attitude when the Judeans came to see him. They ask, "what have you done to us" (Judges 15:11) and Samson's response is, "I merely did to them what they did to me". AND SOME! That's kind of the understatement of the century right there. Ah Nope! He did a lot more. The thing that pushes my button in this response is that word "merely". Not merely at all. Not by a long shot. Samson's response is a little like some of my kids at school when I intervene in conflict and ask what happened. More often than not, the response starts with, "I just ...". I hate that word just. And Samson using "merely" is the same attitude. It seeks to minimise the damage and feels no compassion for the wounded. It seeks to minimise the wrong committed. That's pride - the direct opposite of humility. And there is not a lot of humility felt in Samson's responses.

There is also pride at work in the way Samson plays with Delilah when she seeks to find the source of his power. Instead of just saying I won't tell you. He plays with her - enjoys it. Playing with fire ... we can play with it but one day, we will be burnt.


3. The Girls (Sex)
This is an obvious flaw in Samson. It started early ... he spies a Philistine woman and wants her (Judges 14:2). His attitude is, I want her. Get her for me. Samson is consecrated to God. He does not seems to care that he is defiling himself. God had specific prohibitions on marriage with the people of Canaan. His parents try to sway him, but he would not listen. The whole story of his life really starts to go downhill from here. He loses his first wife, which sets in motion many of the events listed above. He then leads Israel for twenty years. Not much is mentioned about this time, so we can assume nothing particularly noteworthy went on. Sometime around the twenty year mark, Samson heads to Gaza and sees a prostitute. He spends the night with her. He is in the wrong place (a Philistine strong hold) with the wrong person defiling himself. Not long after that he falls in love with Delilah - a woman whose allegiance was certainly not to Samson. She went for the money - eleven hundred shekels - the price of 275 slaves. A LOT of money. This was the price for betrayal.

THE BIG PROBLEM
It's good to examine yourself in the light of these top three points. What is it that will take you out? These are all valid points, but really, I do not believe these are the main problem, they are problems but they are not the core issue. I believe the core issue in Samson's story was vision. It is interesting that he allowed different things to fill his vision and distract him ... and it is interesting that ultimately he paid for this with blindness.

Pause and think on this.

What fills your vision. What is it that you are looking at and focusing on. Is it God in your picture or is it the picture itself?
- Are you focusing on offenses?
- Are you focusing on disappointments?
- Are you focusing on hurt?
- Is your vision skewed because of envy?
- Is your vision skewed because of pride?

What fills your vision? God or circumstances? If it is circumstances, you must make God the focus. See him in the picture. Know that nothing you walk through is without him. Know that he will bring good out of all things if you focus on him and walk according to his ways. There is a key there. If we focus on God, it is much easier to walk according to his ways. If we focus on the circumstances, we tend to get caught up in reacting out of self ... and that is never pretty. The bottom line is ... like Samson, if you allow anything but God to fill your vision, you WILL lose it. Sure God came through in the end. The tragedy is that Samson lost his eyes before he looked to God. Isaiah spoke to the people of his time ... and Jesus also spoke of this when he said:
"though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand.
In them is fulfilled the prophesy of Isaiah:
"You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving,
For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
unerstand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them."

Don't let that be you. Keep your focus on him. He and he alone, should fill your vision.

Happy New Year

Hi All

I know it has been quite a while since I have posted so thought I would just write a quick update here. Sorry I have not posted. At present I am away from Korea at a secret location, hiding out with Elvis and Salmon Rushdie ... well actually, I am in NZ recovering from surgery but the above sounds SO much more interesting!

I had my surgery a month ago and it has gone well although at present I am still on house arrest for another 2 weeks! The most common thing that I hear is how lovely it must be to have all that time off. Well ... yes, but its not like time off in the sense that I am not allowed to go beach walking, or walking beyond the house on my surgeon's instructions. So ... I have read and read ...and I am over reading. I am eeking out my Boston Legal Season 4 and not doing much. That extends to thinking. I am not in the space for deep thinking at the moment. When I start to think, the only thing on my brain at present is "grace".

Grace. What a marvellous thing. We say grace. We have grace. We extend grace. We receive grace. We are saved by grace. And, if you are anything like me, you aren't as good as extending it as receiving it?! At the moment I am having to tell myself - show grace. Grace to those around me as I get antsy with healing and grace to myself in this period as well.

So thats the only word I have for you. Receive his grace ... extend his grace and live under His Smile.

Peace to you and yours.

All You Need Is Love ... la la la la ...All You Need Is Love ...

This is another devotion I did with staff (with my elementary colleagues) this month. It had really cool active visuals, I have taken still shots so you can still follow them.

Recently I was doing some writing activities with my Grade 2 students. They were creating flyers about themselves. One of the sentence starters that I gave them was, "I am a great person to know because ..." Have a look at the following pictures to see some of their answers.



I was actually quite sad when i saw some of these responses. I had some very interesting discussions with my students, trying to get them to see WHO they are. My friend Kathy always says the following - and it is so true ...



Jesus gave us two great commandments. The first was to love the Lord God with all our hearts. The second?



Often this is problematic because we don’t always love ourselves. We aren’t comfortable with the way that we are wired.

Some of you don’t know that I am a musician – I was a music major at uni and I written songs for years. You might know some of my songs as many well known artists have recorded them. They changed them a little so recently, I released a new album – sort of a greatest hits one.



I referred to these songs a while back in a blog but perhaps you have forgotten them. Here are some of the more well known ones (along with artists who recorded them):-

Always on My Mind – Willie Nelson
"I am always on my mind … always on my mind"

You are So Beautiful – Lionel Ritchie
"I am so beautiful … to me … can’t you see?
I’m everything I hoped for … and everything I dreamed ..."

You’re Beautiful – James Blunt
"I’m beautiful … beautiful …"

Saving All my love – Whitney Houston
"Yes I'm saving all my love for me ..."

You are the sunshine of my life – Stevie Wonder

I got me Babe – Sonny and Cher

You’re the One That I want … Olivia Newton John and John Travolta

So all joking aside, this brings me to the other side of this coin - narcissism. Fancy word – what is it exactly? One dictionary I looked in, defined it as, “excessive self admiration and self centredness.” It can also be defined as an overestimation of one’s appearance and abilities and an excessive need for self admiration. Hmmm … is that the sound of clanging bells I hear in the distance … ding … ding … DING! It seems to me that this is the way that popular culture is moving. The cult of SELF. Hmmmm.


Let me illustrate this one for you. American Idol auditions are a primary example. How many people have you seen who in no way, shape or form can get near to singing in just one key … in fact, they can’t sing – PERIOD. When the judges tell them this, they are shocked, outraged and furious. Some of them even have their singing coach with them telling them that they are brilliant and the judges don’t know squat! They storm out with loud protests about how rude and incompetent the judges are … with their family, friends or vocal coaches trailing in their wake saying, “that’s right. Yeah. You’re brilliant. What do they know? …” A wee verse from Timothy (2 Tim 4:2) springs to mind … how people will gather around them those who will tickle their ears with the things they want to hear.



How do we find our balance in all of this? Jars of Clay have a fantastic song called Art In Me. There is a line that keeps repeating throughout the song, “see the art in me”. I love this. Ephesians 2:10 tells us that we are God’s workmanship. When I looked up the greek for the word workmanship, there is an implication that we are his art pieces. Don’t you love that? We are God’s art pieces. When I was in downtown Chicago this summer I saw this fabulous sculpture at Millenium Park. When the artist created this, they used normal, every day people like you and me.



People who know art can look at a Renoir or Picasso and identify it by style. Likewise, they could hear an unknown Beethoven symphony and say, “Oh yes. No doubt. That one is definitely a Beethoven.” How do they know this? It’s because the essence of the artist is impregnated in their art piece. People should be able to look at us as God’s art pieces and say, “oh yes. That one is definitely a God one. No doubt about it …”

Now I want you to imagine a priceless work of art. Imagine someone gazing upon one a Renoir and taking their pen out and deciding to make some corrections or write all over it. Unfortunately, this is what happens with the beautiful art pieces God has made. People get out their yellow stickies and they start to label … they use powerful words and they stick them all over. Words such as reject … ugly … etc



How dare we do this? How dare we muddy up and damage that which God says is good. We have the power of life and death in our tongues. What labels do you put on your children? Many of you might even be thinking, “oh no. I wouldn’t do that. I know the power of words in their lives. So, lets turn your gaze inwards. What words do you speak over your own lives? Working with computers, I get to work with many teachers and I hear comments like, “oh I’m so stupid” or “I am just a loser with technology …” Be careful of your confession.” Who does God say you are?

Often our greatest weaknesses, can also be our greatest strengths. It all depends how we are looking? The words you see above … are words spoken over my life. All labels I have been given at various times. But what does God say? Lets remember to keep his perspective and to try and help our children see that as well.



The way to keep a balance in how we see ourselves is to remember that we are created beings. In fact, we can stand in front of the mirror in the mornings, look at ourselves and praise god for his work. David says in Ps 139 that His work is wonderful. Do you hear that - you are wonderful? Why? Because you are God's craftmanship. You reflect him. Remember that today as you walk through life ... and live under His smile. Know you are loved.

Intrepid Journeys ...

This is a devotion I did with our school wide staff last month. Some of you may be quite familiar with the themes here, but enjoy anyway.


The town where I grew up has great scenery. I love to hang at the beach, but we also have the Otaki Gorge and hills. Often we would take drives up the gorge. The scenery was stunning, but as a child I would freak a little. If I sat on the wrong side of the car, I would look out the window and at times there were sheer drops into huge ravines. Sometimes I would hold my breath and other times, close my eyes, but we always made it through!

Our lives are a journey. The road winds through many different landscapes … some breathtaking and some quite scarey! I want to talk to you about part of the journey I have been on in the last 18 months. For me to share this is quite personal and not entirely comfortable, but there have been some great lessons that have come out of it.

First of all, let me describe the landscape for you and then, I will explain some of the things I have been learning along the way. Just under 18 months ago (March last year), I flew home to my brother’s wedding. I took an additional day’s sick leave as things were not quite right in my body and I wanted to have it checked at home. I ran around doing a bunch of tests and then headed down to the wedding. Not long after getting back to Korea, my Mum phoned me and said there was a message on her answer machine from my doctor saying I needed to contact them immediately and go in urgently. Basically my tests had returned some really high levels of prolactin. Mum took the test results to her doctor to see if it was something I could wait until summer to deal with and he said I needed to deal with it immediately. So I went to Severance and after a bunch more tests, was diagnosed with a tumour on my pituitary gland. The tumour is benign and I have been having treatment for that for the past 17 months.

Then, in September 07, my niece Ruby was diagnosed with Leukaemia. If she could have a good kind of leukaemia, she has it (ALL). There is high success rate with ALL - when the child is 2 or over at diagnosis. In Ruby’s case she was 13 months old. So doctors are very cautious about her prognosis. For our family this was devastating. Cancer is a scary word for all of us, but we lost my Dad at age 49 to cancer, so it was even more scary. Ruby is doing well … I always think of my Grandfather when I think of her journey. We used to say how much longer in the way kids do, and he would always respond with. “Up. Down and round the corner!” That describes her journey to a T! Up, Down, and round the corner. She pushes on and there is such an amazing peace and positivity in that house. Your prayers are definitely felt. Thank you.

This summer, my body was still off and things were not going well. While travelling in Greece I contacted my mother and asked her to book me specialist appointments etc during the 12 days that I would be in NZ. I got to NZ late on the Thursday night, ran around doing a bunch of bloodwork etc on the Friday and then flew down to my Mothers on the Saturday. On Tuesday I went in to the see the specialist. She told me I was the whitest white girl she had ever seen and said that my blood work showed I was seriously anaemic. This has been an ongoing issue for me but it was the worst it has ever been. Basically, my haemoglobin (which is the red cells that push oxygen around your body) was 75. Under 90 is normally grounds for a blood transfusion but because of flying in just a week, it would increase blood clot risks so we did not do that. In addition, my iron stores were so low they could not even get a reading. My specialist sent me for more tests. The next morning, I got a phone call saying that I had to go back to the hospital for surgery as there were growths that needed to be removed. I was frightened (I don’t deal well with needles at the best of times) and asked if we could leave it to Christmas. Her response was that she would be negligent, there was no way she could leave me in the condition that I was in and that I would be in hospital in Korea within a month or two if we continued the way things were going. So, I went back for surgery. She could not do a long one because of the shape I was in, but it was enough to get me through to Christmas. The ongoing part of that journey is that I have to go home for a hysterectomy before Christmas. I had kind of reconciled myself to the idea that as I was pushing 40 and not in a relationship, I might never have kids. But now I know, there is a gulf between “might not” and ‘never” and to have the choice taken from me was quite devastating. I went through a wee angry phase and the last thing I needed to hear was the word adopt! I am an adopted child and very pro adoption, but it is not an easy process and it is a very different issue to dealing with loss of your fertility and all that brings.

So … that is my landscape, lets talk about the lessons I have been learning along the way.

1. Acknowledge Where You Are
We have a tendency to compare our roads to other peoples and then we don’t deal with the issues on our road! When I was diagnosed with my tumour, my first response was positive. I celebrated the fact that it was benign, I rejoiced that I had a doctor here who understood my need to ask questions and could take time to explain things to me. I was thankful that I could get the medication of my choice.

What I did not acknowledge for a while (because I was being positive) was the impact that this tumour was having on my life and it was huge. There were nights I did not sleep because my body would get on an adrenaline kick and be buzzing. The drugs were hammering me, making me exhausted and dizzy. Normally I am a sharp thinker and my brain was just fuzzy, I would loose track of things I was saying in the middle of teaching. Between January and March, this all just hammered me and took a toll. I went to Cambodia and asked friends to pray with me to have an encounter with God. I needed to hear from him. I had the most incredible time and it really helped me get my feet back under me.


2. Share your Burdens
How many times do your hear, “a problem shared is a problem halved”. As I was being hammered by my tumor and the meds, I did not feel I could share with my family. The main reason was because of Ruby’s sickness. I compared myself to her and thought of all she and the family were going through. My thinking was that I could not add a burden to my family. What could they do? I was here, they were in NZ and so it would be selfish of me. Wrong thinking. Our suffering or pain is ours and it is what it is. We deal with the things we need to. They are not invalid because someone else is going through it worse. Someone else will always be worse than us!

3. Thorns Are A Gift!
Our natural reaction is to holler and say get it out! Paul says, "My grace is enough; It's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness .."

"Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and BEGAN APPRECIATING THE GIFT (caps mine). It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness." (2 Cor 12:7 - The Message)

What have I learnt about wrestling and thorns? We don't like thorns. We don't like pain. We shy away from them and we plead with God to take them from us. We struggle, we wrestle, we fight. People, our thorns are GIFTS. Yes, you heard me right. They are gifts. They teach us that we need God. They reveal that we are crippled. They remind us that our strength is not enough. Ps 20:7 says, "some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we will trust in the name of the Lord our God." The word trust (as in trust in God) comes from a hebrew word that is also translated as "remember". The word is "zakar" and it means, "call to mind". Basically the message is clear. Our thorns are gifts because they help us bring to mind who we should be leaning on. They help us bring to mind that we are not all powerful, strong and in control.

One final thought about thorns, Psalm 103 says, "you crown me with love and compassion". It is so true. But think about this, what crown did Jesus wear? If he wore a crown of thorns, surely we can accept the ONE that we are honored with?


4. We Are Never Alone
Our journey has twists and turns and even long dark tunnels! Dark times come to all of us … those seasons where we can’t see God, we can’t sense him and we cry, as Christ did on the cross, “My God, My God … why have you forsaken me?” I have heard many a sermon that says Jesus cried out because God turned his back on him. If you look back at the three gospel accounts that mention this scene, we do not find scripture that supports this. Could it be that Jesus in a moment of humanity, with the weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders, in the agony of the cross, immersed in darkness, could no longer see God? Could it be that in our dark times, when we lose the awareness of God, and it feels like he is a long way away, that he is actually right there with us and has not forsaken us at all?

Hebrews 4:14-16 tells us, “we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are – yet was without sin.” Jesus knows what it is like to be overwhelmed in the darkness and feel like God is a million miles away. He can empathise and understand me, when I am in this place. He has been there and he came out the other side. Even though Jesus felt alone, God was still there. The beauty of this scripture is in the next part: “let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Who is this God that we worship in our dark times? The one who sits on a throne of grace. The one who has walked in our dark places and is the light that shines in our darkness.


5. God Always Provides Anchors
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf.
Hebrews 6:17-20

As I have reflected over my life, I have noticed that when storms come that could shipwreck my faith, God has always provided anchors. They are there if I will just look around and SEE. Of course he is our hope and our anchor but, the anchors that I am talking about are the things he puts in place to help me see Him, and hold on.

When I was about 14 or 15, someone gave me Isaiah 54 to meditate on. This chapter has been an anchor for me many times in life, and God has spoken to me again and again in different seasons through this passage. For me, it is a "life scripture". When I got to NZ in the summer, I stayed with my friends Craig and Annette. On Friday, I had a full day running around in the car, running errands, shopping etc. Before I left in the morning Annette gave me a CD of a friend talking and said I had to listen as it was excellent. So as I drove I listened. My friend was talking about worship in hard times. She touched on Isaiah 54, and it starts, "sing, o barren woman ..." The scripture was a call to worship even in times of great difficulty and fruitlessness. Could I have had a more perfect scripture with the circumstances facing me? While in Cambodia, God spoke very clearly through scripture to me about fruitfulness and abundance. While my outward circumstances would appear to mock that, I choose to believe that I will be a fruitful woman!

I have to smile at the anchors God put out for me in this season. "SING o barren woman. SING. Worship me. Focus on me and not the storm. Don't be afraid. Be Still. Peace child." Once again, he has gone before me, putting in place the anchors for me to cling to ... he has provided safety in the storm. The timing of that CD was amazing. God was not caught by surprise by this season in my life. He knew it was coming. He provided me with something to cling to as the waves grew.

This summer I did a bunch of reading and one book I loved was Mosaic, by Amy Grant. There is one story in there that really moved me. Amy was talking with a friend who was dying. She asked Amy, "do you know what the most important colour is in an artist's palette?" As Amy thought through the possible colours, she continued, "Child, it's black. Black is the most important colour for an artist. You see, without black, there is no depth. Without black, everything appears flat. But mix black with any colour and you can paint an object so real you want to reach out and touch it."

Amy went on to say, "in our lives, the darkest times, the days that are bleak and black, add depth to every other experience. Like the dark bits of colour in a mosaic, they add the contrast and shadows that give beauty to the whole, but they are just a small part of the big picture."

There is hope for your journey. Even though you may encounter some long dark tunnels, you are not alone, there is one who has traveled the road before, who knows the way and who will travel with you.